I recently read an interview on Oprah in which I learned a lot about her. One of the things she said which resonated with me was, "Look where God brought you from..." She talked about how she had come from such humble beginnings and look where she is now. God was there with her though it all, he never left her alone. So in response to the fear she felt over starting her own television network, she thought to herself, "Why would God bring me all this way to leave me now?"
That statement touched me! It made me say to myself, "Look where God brought YOU from!"
I am a woman, who was born to a girl, who had been shipped away by her mother from Las Vegas, to be raised by her Aunt in Chicago. At fourteen she became pregnant by a drug dealer who was much older than her,with me. At three days old I was given away to be raised by someone else.
That fourteen year old, my mother, went on to become a heroin addict who had nine children total, by many different men, never raising a single one herself. She stole from me, never stayed clean, and was a source of deep rooted shame for me.
Growing up I felt since I looked just like her (a fact I was reminded of all the time by {perhaps} well meaning, ignorant adults) everyone expected me to turn out like her. Even though I was being raised by God fearing, respectable woman, who I loved and claimed as my real mother; I always felt the pressure and pain of the cloud hanging over my head. The cloud being: my momma is a drug addict whore who is doing nothing with her life but making babies and discarding them like stray kittens.
Because I was adopted by a family member, as were all of my brothers and sisters, I felt I was just the leftovers of this woman's train wreck of a life, and those who "took us is" were somehow better than she was because they had rescued us like strays left at a fire station.
Although I just wanted to feel like a normal girl who had just as much of a chance of being a success as anyone else, I felt like a side show in a circus. No amount of goods deeds, great grades or extracurricular activities would ever erase the blemish on my record, that I was just a drug addicts castaway, destined to hop from man to man like her.
I never knew my father, never even met him. I didn't see a picture of him until I was in my twenties, a picture my little sister found on a department of corrections website. But this man, I was named after, is my father. All I know of him is he's been in prison a long time for a crime I know not the details of.
All of my life I have secretly had this idea of my worthlessness. I won't use it as a reason to justify the many shameful things I have done to drown out the voices that constantly reminded me how worthless I was. Nor will I use it to excuse the things I have done to feel loved by a man. I am simply aware of how all experiences in life shape you into the person you are right now.
As I write this, I am a married woman, with a beautiful baby who was born into the union of marriage. I am living in a dream home with a fire place. I am a entrepreneur who has products and services that uplift and encourage others. I can see the mountains and all of Gods great works all around me. I think, "Sunshine, look where God brought you from, why would he leave you now?"
No comments
As always, thanks for reading and commenting! I love the feedback.