I wrote that post a while ago and was to afraid to post it. I was afraid because it is so raw and real. I wrote it from a place deep within in, a place God is still in the process of healing.
As I wrote those awful (albeit true) things about my mother, I know the way it came out was the way it felt when I was a child, (if that makes any sense). When I was little EVERYONE around me seemed to feel the need to remind me who my real mother was, discuss all the terrible things she had done, right in front of me. People in my life talked about her like she was a dog, in my presence.
The woman who raised me, did her best to make me feel like I was born from her womb. She loved me like a mother should love her child. The only thing she ever did wrong was allow all those other adults in the mix to scar me the way they did with their words. I have learned a very valuable lesson from my own experience: As an adult, I am shaping the lives and experiences and beliefs of the children under the sound of my voice. I must and will guard the words I speak in the presence of children, they are listening.
To this day, I imagine the people who hurt me have no idea. But I forgive them.
I loved my biological mother, but secretly. No one else thought her worthy of love, so I kept it to myself, and I always wondered about her. I wondered who she really was. At the same time, I hated her for who she was. I hated all the things I heard about her (things no child should have to hear about their mother even if it is true).
Today, she is clean. Has been for about two years now. I would love to have a relationship with her, but I do not think she is ready yet. I have forgiven her for all she has done. I have no negative thoughts about her. I want to know her. I want her to know her grandson. And I want her to know, that no matter what she has done in her life, I have no right or desire to judge her. I want to show her the love God shows me even though I know I do not deserve it.
As I wrote those awful (albeit true) things about my mother, I know the way it came out was the way it felt when I was a child, (if that makes any sense). When I was little EVERYONE around me seemed to feel the need to remind me who my real mother was, discuss all the terrible things she had done, right in front of me. People in my life talked about her like she was a dog, in my presence.
The woman who raised me, did her best to make me feel like I was born from her womb. She loved me like a mother should love her child. The only thing she ever did wrong was allow all those other adults in the mix to scar me the way they did with their words. I have learned a very valuable lesson from my own experience: As an adult, I am shaping the lives and experiences and beliefs of the children under the sound of my voice. I must and will guard the words I speak in the presence of children, they are listening.
To this day, I imagine the people who hurt me have no idea. But I forgive them.
I loved my biological mother, but secretly. No one else thought her worthy of love, so I kept it to myself, and I always wondered about her. I wondered who she really was. At the same time, I hated her for who she was. I hated all the things I heard about her (things no child should have to hear about their mother even if it is true).
Today, she is clean. Has been for about two years now. I would love to have a relationship with her, but I do not think she is ready yet. I have forgiven her for all she has done. I have no negative thoughts about her. I want to know her. I want her to know her grandson. And I want her to know, that no matter what she has done in her life, I have no right or desire to judge her. I want to show her the love God shows me even though I know I do not deserve it.
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