Believe it or not I am not that great at being friends with people. I had a best friend from the time I was 15 until I was 26, but when I made the huge change in my life with my big chop, I sadly had to chop that friend out of my life as well.
When I ended the relationship, I realized I had to end it because I really wasn’t a good friend to her and neither was she to me. We never told each other the truth and we never called each other out on the major wrongs we were doing just about every day of our lives. I told her what she wanted to hear, validated her mess and she did the same for me. We were both involved in some shady things and sadly we encouraged each other.
There were times when I was completely against something she was doing, but I never voiced it. I listened to her tales of blatant wrongs and I never said anything about it. When I did most of the dirt in my life she was the person I told and she never called me out on it. For that reason, I knew we really were not friends and more like enablers.
When I decided to change my life, I wanted to tell her what I really thought about her behaviors but I felt like, who was I to NOW, all of a sudden have a problem with the way she was living. Just two minutes ago I was doing the same things and sometimes even worse things. I felt like I was in no position to say anything about her life, and since I was not strong enough to bring her with me, I left her behind.
Since then I have thought to myself, maybe I could have brought her on the journey with me. But I now know that we all have to get to a point in our own lives where we are ready for change, then and only then can we receive wise counsel. At the time I began making my changes, I didn’t cut her off immediately. I shared with her what I was doing differently, but she always blew it off as a phase I was going through. She dismissed my growth as yet something new I was trying that she was waiting for me to snap out of. Eventually it was apparent to me that I was not going to snap out of it and she wasn’t ready to get on board so we parted ways.
During that friendship, she and I were both super needy. We couldn’t stand to be alone. We needed each other for everything. To go shopping with, to talk for countless hours about every detail of every situation that had happened in our lives. We needed each other in order to pick out our clothes. We needed each other to determine if a guy was right or not. We needed each other to survive. With her out of my life, I began the task of learning how to be my own best friend.
That was over two years ago. Since then, I have yet to replace her. I’ve learned how to pick out my own clothes, how to think through situations in my life on my own and I have learned how to talk to my heavenly Father for the hours a day I would normally need her to talk to.
I have become quite content with my own company. To the point where I prefer not to engage in relationships with others who require daily telephone conversations. I don’t call people up to talk about what is going on in my life, I would rather journal it and then talk to God about it. I can shop alone. Go to a yoga class and gym alone, I enjoy sitting in silence. God is my best friend. I have questioned whether or not this is healthy, but I have found I have less anxiety in my life and way more peace since I have fewer people in my ear all the time.
Today, I got a phone call from a “friend” from my past. She and I became acquainted before my big chop and since then have remained girlfriends. I have talked on the phone with her for hours at a time, but once my relationship with God became more solid, I found our conversations draining and I found myself thinking, through most of our chats, that she needed a relationship with the Father herself. All of the answers she wanted me to give her; I felt she needed to consult God because he was the only one who could really help her. And I told her. To which she always replied
“I know. And I am spending more time in my scripture.”
Eventually it got to the point where she would always tell me about her study time in the word as a preface to our conversations and then she would get into the real reason for the call, which was to ask my advice. I always felt I was in no position to give any advice on certain things, but the areas in which I felt more qualified, I would give my two cents.
But then I realized she wasn't taking my advice seriously. I would counsel her on something, share with her what I would do or what I have done or what the word has to say about it and then a few weeks later, she was calling me again not having followed through on the advice, but in need of more. The last time I spoke with her, I told her, “this is the last time I am going to say this to you…” and I meant it.
Today when she called me at 11:00am, I answered because I thought it was a work related call, ( I didn’t recognize the number), and she immediately says
"Heeeeey Sunshine! How are you and the baby, and your husband and the business and LA, oh not LA but um California?”
To which I replied, “You know what I am going to have to call you back this evening. I am in a meeting and I thought you were a work related call, but now I am embarrassed because I am in the middle of something. Let me call you later on this evening.”
To which she said, “Oh you thought it was someone important.”
After that call I was frustrated for a few reasons. One, although I work from home, on my own business, I still conduct myself in a professional manner, I get dressed for work everyday and I conduct business during business hours. I do not call other people who are working, in the middle of the day, just to talk about life and have long conversations. And if I did call someone during working hours and received the reply I gave her, I would not take offense. I would respect the fact that they were at work. Secondly I was irritated because I am just not into talking on the phone for hours about what is going on in my life. I feel like if you really wanted to know what was going on with me, you could watch my videos (which she claims she does!).
When I record my videos, that is me expending all the time and energy I have for friends. I believe that the people who watch my videos are like-minded individuals who care about the things I care about and are interested in doing better just like I am, and therefore as a friend to them, I share my stories for their inspiration and upliftment. That is what friends mean to me. Not just someone who I tell all my business to for hours on the phone every day. So I was frustrated that she called me for that purpose.
I do not know how that may sound. But it is the truth. I am not good at being friends especially if you just want to be on the phone for hours. And if you do not take heed to the advice that I give out of love. I don’t do those types of relationships very well. I have a husband, a baby, a house to clean, dinner to cook, I have to make time for the gym, I am building a company from scratch and I am working on keeping a tight relationship with the Lord, not to mention I have family out of state who I speak with as well. I simply do not have time or interest in the types of relationships that once dominated my life.
I know I need to call her and say something. I want to call and say, don’t call me anymore. But I feel a little bad about that. But I also do not want to just ignore her calls, either. I am going to need to talk to my Father about this one!
Thanks for letting me share.
Wow, Sunshine, thanks for sharing this story. I totally relate. Over the past 3 months or so I have definitely changed in my thinking, they way I want to conduct myself and my life, and my spiritual relationship with God. Since then, I cannot really stand to talk to a couple of my girlfriends anymore. They are doing the same things over and over again, not really trying to be better people. It's so frustrating. I feel like I can't just stop talking to them because I don't want to be judgmental or holier than thou because I was doing similar self-defeating behaviors as they are. But now I am on a different path and I feel like we are supposed to grow wiser as we grow older, we are supposed to learn from our past mistakes, we should do better, make better choices for ourselves. I am now distancing myself from these friends, I know there will come a point we will grow apart. I pray every day that God align myself with people that encourage spiritual, mental, and emotional growth and that I can do the same for them.
ReplyDeleteHi Sunshine...I am new to your page and blog. All I can say is Wow.....I did not know there was someone else that felt the way that I do. I felt as if you were in my mind speaking my words. I am definitely going through a transition right now and I just need to talk to God and journal. I cut my hair and for the first time feel like I truly see me. It has allowed me to realize I need to focus on other parts of me...spiritual, mental and physical. I am excited about the process. I really am not in a place where I need a lot of needy friends, girls nights out, week end trips with the girls and talking on the phone forever. I need to be still and hear God's voice and direction for my life. I look forward to reading more of a daily dose of Sunshine. Be blessed!
ReplyDeleteI am not yet to that stage but i am working on it, a lot of girlfriends call me just to talk about their boyfriends/husbands etc.. and it is really not what I want to do/hear.
ReplyDeleteI need to take action and let them know how i really feel.
Thank you for posting, i'm a new YT subscriber (shawnafrom35), do not quite remember how i found you on youtube but i am so glad!